Fear & Love...

"Our goal is to create a beloved community and this will require qualitative change in our souls as well as a quantitative change in our lives." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I've been thinking about this for the past few days. I don't necessarily move on from things overnight and the many "social justice" posts from last month are still floating around in my head.

Typically, I like to look for the root issue. Just as the principle in gardening is that diseased plants need to be culled from the root, I believe the same is true of social issues. There are plenty of examples of problems, many diseased plants, but what are the solutions? And where are the roots?

The backbone is dualism. The offshoot is our relationship to love and fear.

People are hungry because at the root, we believe there is not enough food to go around. If everyone is fed, there won't be enough left for us.

Dualism supports the belief that there is not enough to go around so we have to fight and compete for our share. That manifests in war, power-over and hierarchy.

We believe that sharing our emotional resources with others means that there is less for ourselves. If our significant other spends time with friends or work, that must mean that we will not get our share of that energy. It is a perception of limitation. That brings about alienation and fractured relationships.

Dualism supports the idea that we must be either material beings or spiritual beings. We choose material because it's too scary to let go and trust the cosmos that surround us ~ or each other.

The truth is that we are organized as a society, using obsolete social principles. They are obsolete because they reflect separateness. They reflect fear over love. The culture encourages us to believe creating wealth is the primary goal of human work ~ although it certainly is not. We have forgotten how to treat each other as brothers and sisters, although that is certainly what we are.

As long as this continues, we will see these same problems repeating themselves, generation after generation.

We need to consciously let go of these beliefs. We need to consciously examine ourselves for these beliefs, where we hold them and where we support them. We need to let go of the belief that resources are limited, that there is only just so much to go around, that the earth is not capable of producing enough food, that we are not energetic enough to create housing for everyone, that we are not smart enough to create medical care and education for everyone, that we are separate and must fight so strongly for our own identities, both personal or national, that we bring about war. We need to replace fear with the practice of love.

We have to allow ourselves to be transformed.

What Your Wishes Say About You ?

Be careful what you wish for - it could reveal who you are.

"If you could have three wishes, what would you ask for? Will it be to be healthy and happy? To eat Chinese food at every meal every day for the rest of your life? Examining these wishes and the people who made them, I discovered some interesting connections.

The most common wishes are for friends, happiness, health, marriage, money, success, self-improvement, and to help other people.Although men's and women's wishes were generally similar, men were more likely to wish for love, sex and power, while women were more likely to wish for happiness, a better appearance, and better health.

Extroverted people often wished for happiness and positive feelings, and frequently included other people in their wishes. Neurotic people wishes to be more sociable and more emotionally stable - in other words, to be less n e u r o t i c . The chances of that wish coming true are practically zero.

Those who were already satisfied with their lives were the most likely to believe that their wishes would come true.

Love & Hate

The loving, critical mom. The fun, undependable friend. The supportive, cantankerous boss. Relationships that evoke conflicting feelings may cause more stress than those characterized by outright dislike...

Mature love, some insist, is a broadening, deepening experience. But the claim that love promotes maturity is unpersuasive without some indication that the individual would not have matured just as readily in the absence of love. Indeed, to the extent that love fosters dependency, it may be viewed as a deterrent to maturity.I am not asserting that the effects of love always border on the pathological. I am saying that the person who seeks love in order to obtain security will become, like the alcoholic, increasingly dependent on this source of illusory well-being. The secure person who seeks love would probably not trap himself in this way.

But would the secure person seek love at all?

What’s In Your Heart?

Do you find it difficult to share your innermost thoughts with anyone even your best mate? If someone came up and said they fancied you, would you immediately think that they were joking? Do you try to turn rely on your instincts when you’re making your mind up, and then worry that you’ve not used enough common sense?Do you think that love isn’t meant to be easy?Do you believe that other people are luckier in love then you? Are you too shy to let someone know when you like them?Do you think you’re destined to be unlucky in love unless you make some big change?

The grass is always greener on the other side…so as the older proverb goes – and as far as I’m concerned, it’s true!I think that if I could just change something about myself, then everything would be wonderful.

Luckily, when I’m spouting my resolutions, I know these sort of expectations are pretty hard to live up to.Don’t shy away from the idea of making changes; just don’t be too hard on myself if I fail. Cause I’ve got the whole of the rest of the year to get things right!

The "C" Word

Commitment - The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.Hmmm.."bound" emotionally to another person. Bound..as in Handcuffs? Sounds like some kinky S&M to me! Ok, enough with the bad jokes. Seriously, I think the word has much more meaning than the dictionary definition. Otherwise, we can all say we are commited to someone out with no problemos whatsoever. The definition may make commitment seem like such a simple thing to attain and keep. When actually its far from that.
I think a lot of people have what I call Commitment Claustrauphobia.. Lets just call it the “C” word so you don't sprain your tongue having to say it.

Where Claustrophobia is "a fear of being in an enclosed space". It basically is "the fear of not having an easy escape route.". You feel like you need to get out..quickly!. Combine this with Commitment and we have people who are scared of being trapped in a relationship with no way out. I think all of us have a little CC in them and some of us are even full fleged, "I got the CC Ph.D" peeps. So maybe asking ourselves why commitment is so difficult or scary will help all of us understand this issue, and maybe we'll be able to join the "I do" crew one day.What most of us REALLY feel commitment entails, is having a huge responsibility to someone, dumped on us. Its signing yourself over to someone with a permanent ink marker. Once you've done it, you can't go back. Oooooh, that sounds final.

When we enter into a committed marriage, what we're supposed to be feeling is " I love you so much, that now, I only want to spend my time with you. You are the apple of my eye and I am going to do all that I can to make you happy." Yadda Yadda Yadda. But what a lot of us are REALLY feeling may give us an internal dialogue filled with "What If" thoughts, which ends up sounding kinda like this:"I do love you, but I'm scared shitless that I may be making a wrong decision. There are so many other hotties out there, and what if one of them is my Mr/Miss Perfect, how do I really know if you're "The One"?? . Am I selling myself short? Maybe all these mushy feelings inside are just lust and not love?. What if I'm totally wrong about you? What if this happy snappy wonderful relationship, gets shot to hell after I commit to you and you become a dragon lady/man who drives me crazy? What then??? What if..we stop loving each other? I don't know if I can go through anoooother breakup."

Making such FINAL decisions are also not easy or natural in our world. We're so used to changing channels, clothes, eating this or that, getting into flings and getting flung out of them. Life for the typical girl/guy can be very adaptable and temporary. We always have a choice with most things, if we no longer like them. But with the "C" word, all of a sudden, you're having to stay in something, through the good, the bad and the ugly. Its giving your word to stick through it, even when the relationship makes a detour to CrapVille (for those who watch Smallville). That can and is scary for a lot of us.

And although most of us want to be with one person in a loving relationship the commitment that we are expected to give can be very daunting. We're looking for the fabulous relationship but scared of staying in it. We want one without the other. And just like a cheap suits and polyester, commitment and responsibility go inexplicably hand in hand. There's no way around it.
Some people with CC may feel that noone is good enough for them. We've all grown up hearing Fairy Tales and are practically inundated with marriage ideals from society/media. We're expecting that "the one" will be someone absolutely perfect. He/she will look, act and be everything that you've dreamed of. I thought at one time too, that Miss Perfect was out there and would just land on my doorstep, but the longer I've been on this planet and the more I mature (or at least try to!), I realize that perfection is a unrealistic desire. I have guy friends who have backed out of commitment (relationship or marriage) because they thought they would be missing out on finding Miss Perfect. Their girlfriend had flaws and that was too much for them to accept. I think looking for some contrived perfection will only cause CC'ers to lose out in the end. The guy/girl may be hot, but sooner or later the flaws will surface. Time will pass them by, until one day they are old and alone.

I think it's more rational and logical to commit to someone who is more or less like you in the major ways (these depend on whats important to you, but some major ways could be religion, education, interests etc) and wing it from there. Personally, I think this has pushed the CC button in me, since I want to find someone who will be completely compatible with me and who I'll have a happy life with, but I'm scared that I'll just repeat my past mistakes all over again.For those people who grew up in a loving house, they haven't escaped the wrath of CC-dom either. These people have seen a lot of friends, family and strangers get married and then divorced. Its a sad fact, but so many people in our age group, are doing the marriage thang only to figure out later that they weren't meant to be and they want out. Our generation, has moved on from that of our parents, and if we don't like married life..we leave. Are those people having a delayed CC reactions? Probably.

There Is A New "it" In Town

I just talked a friend last night who was telling me that Internet Site Dating is so "the thing" now a days. Supposedly, the "friend" sites are the in -thing. I'm talking about Friendster or Hi5. I have noooo clear idea if any of these work, but apparently a lot of people I know are meeting people that way.

Is it because people feel more comfortable going on these sites under the guise of being a friend, or meeting through a friend of a friend, and you're getting the more "normal" people of the bunch. Frankly, the so called "normal" people that we would expect to meet are not so normal after all...I mean I have heard from some of my friends that people are trying to be over friendly/fresh wimme even when status says "committed"...I mean for the love of God, can you just back off???In any case, everyone's experiences are different. And I cannot deny that I re-established contact from a lot of long lost friends from school and college, so its not all "freak show"....If you can tolerate.....

Um, I'm not sure, but whichever way you cut it, it just looks like good ol' Internet Dating to me..maybe I'll try it, maybe not, but before I make the leap it would be nice to hear if anyone else has had good or bad experiences on those sites..

The Case of The Wandering Eyes

I came back from dinner the other day with one of my friend. The food was good but there was something a little rotten with the ambiance in the restaurant...and thus this post was born.

Why do men carelessly check out women when they're on a date? In between bites of pizza, we notice this dude checking out some girl..not subtly ,which would be the kind thing to do, but blatantly, in your face checking her up and down. The problem with this story was the guy had a girlfriend, who saw the rude display of scoping also. She looked so upset. I feel bad for the girl, because I've been there..even my friend at lunch has.

Ok, I know men are visual creatures and they have a hellava lot of testosterone...that can't be changed. But come on, isn't there anything to be said for having some respect for your date?? Its not like women don't see better looking guys out there when they are on dates with you, but they do their business and have a quick glance, and no harm is done. A lot of guys, on the other hand, would rather peruse over some random chicks body with their glassed over drooling eyes looking like they're imagining her so many uncanny ways.

I just don't get it. It not only bothers the girls on the date but some other guys who are seeing this behavior too. Makes them feel insecure in their realtionship as well. If u r on a date for god sake pay 101% attention to the girl infront of for the time being. The rest can wait for awhile. But there is always an itch for us guys to scratch…no matter who is sitting infornt we just have to check our lefts and rights…GOD….those eyes….DAMN!!!