Cross Roads

Soul Mate.....hah, cute. Wonder what self-comforting notion will be invented next.

For me soul mate is someone that I connect with in a way that I've never known. I also feel that it was come by honestly, through true friendship, getting to know one another, and appreciating the person for who she is and not some imagined quality. I feel in my heart of hearts that now, at this time in mine life, that we maybe perfect for each other, as perfect as you can be and still be different...

So, do I risk it all, or do I discourage this and keep what I have? If this is as rare and beautiful as I think it might be, maybe when I am 80 I will look back and regret...

So do I believe in soulmates? Yes, I do. But I also believe that you can meet your soulmate and never get to be with them. I think this kind of thing probably happens a lot. It is tearing my heart out at the moment, maybe her as well, and the question of "is there such a thing as soulmates" to me has been answered...yes, there is such a thing, but that doesn't help me much right now.

My biggest concern is that we can keep being friends, keep the relationship, no matter what. I don't know if that's going to be possible. I think that if I make the choice to pursue things, we will have to end everything. I think we can continue to spend time together and NOT do something about our feelings. To me that is the saddest, saddest thing....but sometimes thats the way it should be.... I really feel like I have met a person that might be a better choice for me, than what I have now. I am faced with...try to pursue my soulmate, potentially lose EVERYTHING, or, possibly gain everything I have ever wanted. Which road should i take?

Past, Present......Past!!!

Do we ever really get over the people in our past? Personally, I don't think so. Even if it ended wonderfully (which they never tend to do) and you're all blissfully happy for each moving on ..there is still something to be said about sharing your life with someone. Even if its for a brief time. That person shared a piece of you.They set up shop in your heart. Heard all the intimate details of your life and went through a part of your life with you. 7 days 1 mths or 1 years doesn't matter. It was a part of your life that will never come back again. You changed them and they changed you...forever (wow, that sounded pretty philosophic).

So when it all ends, how can we really believe that a person's influence in our lives is truly over. Yes, we go through all the usual breaking up rituals. Like crying at every stupid thing that reminds you of the times you shared together. Blaming yourself for the whole mess and wondering when you'll ever get over her. Those feelings pass and slowly you can get through one day..and then one month. Life goes on. But does the fact that you are no longer "together" with someone mean that they automatically are denoted to something less. Does all the time you've spent with them just get thrown away? Does my memory ever cross their minds or do they ever wonder what happened to me and my life? I'll probably never know the answers to those questions...You guys probably thinking I'm one delusionally naive . Maybe I am.

(I was contemplating this very topic earlier today when I received an sms from a girl I have crush on)

Female Friends..Are They A Myth We've Created or Do They Exist?

I've always wondered if anyone has the answers to the age old question about women and men being friends..and only friends.

There is no universal answer to this age old question. Truly platonic relationship is virtually impossible. Attraction is so natural it would get in the way of being friends no matter what. And it both ways, guys fall for gals as much as gals fall for guys. I know I would fall for any single diva out there. Does it matter if we are good pals? Is it fair to ask her out?

It’s a complicated state. For sake of being friends, stop letting your heart dictate over your head. And then ask yourself these questions: Is she attracted to me? (Most gals would say how important you are as a friend in their lives; don’t take it as she has something for you. You just know if she is.) Is she currently looking? (Make sure it’s not rebound, most gals act weird if they are in rebound)Now if you still have to let her know how stupid you are, even after knowing she is not into this, find a way to elude your misery. Just from the experience, developing an image that you are a kind of guy who is never serious and won’t commit to anyone in near future help so much. Now she does not know if you are actually serious?

But on the topic if Men and Women can STAY friends..hmmm, the verdict is still out on that one. Yes, I have a select few female friends with whom nothing has crossed the friendship line. They haven't asked me out, I haven't returned the favor. No admission of liking on both parts.

Sometimes, even if you aren't openly attracted to each other in the beginning. After spending time, platonically chilling together, you realize.."Hey, this girls personality rocks or what a sense of humor." So basically you're doomed either way. I'm not saying that if both parties DO like each other, that it couldn't be a fabulous thing , but once you cross the friend line you really can't go back. Emotions are a very messy thing.

I guess I can sometimes be very naive about if you guys just want to be friends or not. Sometimes the supposed signals are so subtle that I can't tell if you're winking at me or have something stuck in your eye. Do you like me? Or am I just reading into things?

Whats Love Got To Do With It?

Love. Its sought after. Cried over. Dreamed and written about. Its the air that we breath and without it we're forever gasping. Ok.What's all this hoopla that I'm writing about? Well, what I'm wondering about Today, is whether love is all that we cracked it up to be. Are we more in love with the image of Love then what love actually is?

Hollywood and the media have long touted the horn of love, making it seem that its something easy. They give us empty promises that we're all going to fall in love and those who haven't are substantially missing.But I really think what they are talking about is more Romance/Lust. Since love has an existence created of more than just hugs and kisses.

To me, Love is caring for a sick friend, wanting to stay with your boy/girlfriend, even on those days when you fight like a bunch of crazies, saying sorry to keep a relationship from dissolving, even when you know you're right. Its compassion and commitment. It's not easy. It's something you grow into over time. And when you've found it, it like a shadow..never leaving your side. It's one of the most overused words in the English language, but seldom understand its magnitude. It's not sending a Valentines Day card because it's the norm, but giving your girlfriend a back massage after a long day of work...without being asked. Its accepting those around you and giving yourself to them..completely and unconditionally.

Thats the kicker there. Unconditionally. How many people do you know who've said they unconditionally love you or someone else, but to disappear when you really need them. Its only when the going gets tough, that you truly realize who actually loves you. Thats why I welcome the rain in my life. Because I would rather share my happiness with someone who has been there for me during my darkest days than people who's love is fleeting.

Unconditional love is rare, but if you are able to find it, consider yourself very blessed. So, for all those people who you love or hope to..think about what the word really means to you before you use it next time. Are you ready for all that it entails? And have the people in your life who've said it to you, fulfilled its responsibilites?

Brighter Than Sunshine...

I'm happy for once. Amazing I know. I re realized a lot of things this week that its not exactly that I forgot them. I just wish i could do more to show that honestly and totally.Its nice to finally feel that way. I just wish that things were a bit easier.

I felt awful just a week ago because life took its course and there was nothing I could do to stop or change it, and what she doesn't realize is that I feel as deeply annoyed/pained/fustrated. The connection is that deep like it hurts but maybe that's in a good way.

You know that reminded me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and it made me wonder.... what if destiny plays a bigger part in things than we realize. Clementine and Joel erased each other and yet ended up back together something drew them together....... What was that? Sometimes I feel like Joel....crazy, different, emotional, sentimental......*because yes I will admit that after all i certianly am* but deep down I am just another one trying to find his way. My path may be different from most, but it is still mine and that is ok. I still just want to be understood by someone...... and I finally feel that I am and can't help but think that it was destiny that had a large part of it...

Spin The Wheel

Its funny how life is so full of ups and downs that you can't see the world for its spinning in front of you. I swear all i want is for it to stop spinning and for life to make sense instead. You say emotions are hard to deal with and the truth is that they are but only because they are full of up and down. but at what point do emotions even make sense to us all? Relationships are hard but I wouldn't give it up because it has defined a portion of myself that to the beginning of this could be defined as a blank slate. It's funny how we subconciously know each others every thought in between in that space of unconciousness that only exists for the strongly bonded.Its just when you are together and then the next day apart everyhing feels empty somehow like grasping for shadows that aren't there any longer.

The worst part is going to sleep only to find that when you wake up you are alone. Some days I don't know what to think. Some days I wish i did.

Sights and sounds bring me back down from love again. I was here. I was here. Whipping the reflective day and morning view. I will make it all better as we go along.

Perception Is Reality

its been one of the best days of my life and yes it doesnt involve anything other than that i had the most interesting and honest conversation for...i dont know...ever. it made me realize that not everything in life is on the downside....it can be sometimes....but always try to be an optamist. it really helps. i would like to thank that special friend of mine for changing the way of my thinking. atleast she made the effort to see things through my eye and pointed me the wrongs.

It's clear to me that happiness is only a construct of what we want it to be. We spend our whole lives looking for the idea of perfection but when do we truly find it? I'm not sure. I think that we have to accept life for what it is and then one day we will see what life really is. honestly. If we don't percieve what do we know?

A life Less Ordinary

If only life were but a dream what a dream it would be. But alas we go on living throughout it all. My life has been an interesting twist of events over the last few months. I don't know what to call it other than that. But I know where I stand. school isn't going to rip me apart and I have a new secure and wonderful friendship. I no longer want to run away from myself (not at this moment anyway........)

I have a streak in me like that.. I like a little change to shake things up a bit.
I like to feel on the edge but not for too too long. In the past its gotten me into a lot of trouble. But you know thats the thing with trouble and drama... they always find the unsuspecting. but thats the best part, isn't it?

Out of Sight....Not Out of Mind

I have been wondering about the concept of friendship. What is it and how do you know that you have it? I mean really and truly. We all think or know that we have friends but how many of those friends would be there if we lost it all? I used to think I knew the answer to that and now I am not so sure about all of it.

I'm really bothered by the fact that one of the people I consider very close to me hasn't talked to me face to face for a long time...I just must not matter that much to her. Sometimes it hurts that people only want you around when they need you to do things for them... Otherwise it's like see you later sucker.... I know that I am not alone... its not like she's my only friend and yet it still stings profusely at times.....

Soul Searching....

In a relationship do we ever think of boundaries at all? how much do u want a person to let u in in ur life? how much is too much? for me it was and still is very difficult to scope out the boundaries. i never expressed all my feelings to anyone ever.

granted that there are dark places in everybody's mind. but can u share it with ur best friend? do u tell all to ur girlfriend or boy friend? why not? doesn't it resolves the complexity that may occur in the future?

i must confess that i dont have any best friends.....i do have a lot of good friends who are with me all the way but i just couldnt share EVERY thing with them. its not their fault. they are the reason where i'm now in my life. but i'm still searching for that speacial person who can understand me.....encourage me.....make me laugh and blow away the pain that i'm so use to.

i think i found someone...can she be my gaurdian angel?

Fools Rush In....But Don't We All?

do we take decisions about our life by thinking ten steps ahead? its a catch 22 position....sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. sometimes it pays off sometimes it doesnt. what about in a relationship? do we always plan? if we do why doesnt it work? ok....i know everybody gonna scream with that answer "...everything cannot be stroyboarded or scripted..."
but than again thats just side stepping isnt it?

why do we have to rush in a relationship? u meet someone u get to know that person first....why think of buying ur weeding dress if that person smiles at u couple of times or spends alot of time with u? believe me, been there done that and the end result was not a happy one each time.

so this time i'll play it nice and easy. slowly and carefully.

but can i hold my rush forever? i HAVE to this time. i cann't take risk with HER this time.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Like the cliché goes, with every cloud there is a silver lining. so should we always be an optamist when a problem arises? why cant we acknowledge it as a problem and see through that? do we really have to seek the alternative?

relationships are chilché too. we build it with such care & destroy it with our own doings. afterwards we want to see the sliver lining? "thank god it didnt work....what it could have might been?" i cant differenciate this one with regret. regret comes from ur wrong doing. so u must have done somehing wrong in that relationship to destroy it. u wasted ur time, u wasted ur mind & still u r looking for the good things out of it? yes, we all do that. we are all born optimist.

i myself want to see all the silver linings that i can see out of all the failed relationship i had or will have in the future. but shouldn't i regret? shouldn't i be a little pessimist about relationship by now?

Come Clean.....Or Dont Come At All !!!

lets say u have feelings for someone. its not love but something, lets say its a crush. do u tell her? dont u think if u come clean with ur feelings u might loose it all....can u risk that? or is it worth taking the risk?

on the other hand why not? if u want something u should go for it...express urself...if dont, u might regret thinking "what could've happened" down the road 5-10 yrs from now. maybe she would've understood it then. maybe she had feelings too. she was just like me, couldn't express it. maybe she didn't wanna take the chance of losing me just like i was afraid. or is it very wishfull thinking?

so which road u wanna take? taking chances? or playing it safe?

hell, i've always tried to play it safe....u know what i found out? either way u r gonna loose someway.

"in life it doesn't matter how many chances u get, it only matters how many chances u take."

Crime Punishment Redemption

no problem with the first one....but i'm a bit confused with the last two. r they related? does punishment is the way to redemption or the other way round? can someone redem fully? can whats been done be undone? cause when fate betrays ur heart, destiny leaves u no choice.

someone once said to me that redemption comes if u are fully aware of what u've done and acknowledge ur wrong doing. i question myself....why hasnt i questioned my doing at the first place? or have i? do we always look back after we fail?

isnt the price u pay for the ur consequence is enough? why go extra bit to redem ur soul? my answer is, we are selfish.....after all been said and done we want to feel good for ourselves. i say dont be....we are not perfect. if u have feelings keep it. dont move on. maybe thats the best thing ever happened to u....at least to me it is.

"Somewhere between my sleep
Somewhere beneath my skin
In places I can't see
Something is known to be a sin

Hiding inside my eyes
Burning from deep within
Something that needs a lie
Trying to turn into a sin

Refrain:
Rescue me before I lose control
Rescue me from this fire in my soul
There's only you who can stop me from falling
I need a saviour, need my saviour

Rescue me before I lose my head
Rescue me from the sight of regret
Cause only your love can stop me from wanting
I need a saviour, you're my saviour

Knocking behind my door
Asking to be let in
Something I have ignored
Wanting to be a sin

It's been around for so long
And waiting to begin
I know that it's so wrong
Can't let it be a sin"

(Anggun, Saviour)

& Truth Shall Cage You Completly

what is truth? does it always BEST to say it or to hear it? in my case i always feared it....may be i wanted to stay in wonderland, where anything u believe is true and u dont want to come back from there.

but whats reality then? isnt it the truth? i always though myself as a realistic person. so why do i contradict myself with reality & the truth? its like DR. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde....i dont know where i am where i stand. for me, i always feared the truth. it jsut cages me to a corner. & with my nature in the corner i dont come out fighting. i go broke.

but why fantasy? ALICE IN WONDERLAND is not my favorite book....hell i didnt even read it. didnt like WIZARD OF OZ either. so where did it come from? is it something we all desire?

The Magic Line.....The Magic Marker

do u ever understand or know where that "line" is? when did u cross it? or u did u cross it at all? wish i knew that....it seems like everytime u know there is a line comingup i just seem to think its far away....but at the end of the day....u already crossed it.

i think SIR PAUL MacCartney experienced it well enough with his new single

"There is a fine line
Between recklessness and courage
It's about time
You understood which road to takeIt's a fine line
And your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong you'll be making a big mistake

Come home brother all is forgiven
We all cried when you were driven away
Come home brother everything is better
Everything is better when you come home and stay

Whatever's more important to you
You've gotta choose what you want to do
Whatever's more important to be
Well that's the view that you got to see

There is a long way
Between chaos and creationIf you don't say
Which one of these you're going to choose
It's a long way
And if every contradiction seems the same
It's a game that you're bound to lose

Its a fine line"

so does this line is drawn by a magic marker too? seems so in some cases....SHE doesn't like u to be close, she moves up the line.....u like HER, u draw the line 50 miles down the road. isn't there any compromise?

One of my friends told me the other day that "careful with what ur doing" i guess i should've listened because couple of days ago he found & crossed the line the hard way. but what can u say ITS ALWAYS THE HARD WAY....i never learned anything the other way. sometimes i jsut think there is no other way.

the thing is u dont actually learn from the HARD WAY either. just like i said....when push comes to shove u are all over the place again and again and again and again.

Time Heals All Wounds.......NO!!!

isn't it what they say...what is that, a universal line to make things better for the moment? why dont u just admit what happened wasnt just rite. ...dose time really heal those scares? in my case it didnt actually....some things just leaves a deep deep scare in ur existence and when u stare at it, it will remind u things u wanna forget.

point in example the scare over my right eye....i got that from a motorcycle accident like 17 yrs ago...its still there.....reminds me of that horrible night. i can still see that when i close my eyes. me under the motorcycle....the front tyre spoke just missed my eye.....my dad pulled me up in his two hands and was screming in the middle of road for help.....he thought that i lost my eye.

funny thing is that i dont remember much after that....i mean the healing process....how long did it take, how long was i out, what happend to my mom or anything. but what i do remember is that excruciating pain even now.

so it doesnt work....atleast not for me....

Is It FATE?

just when u think that things could be going ur way why does it always happen??? u know what i'm talking about....something comes out of the left field and u get all messed up. there is an itch in ur mind & dare i say dont rub it....thats not possible at all.

somebody just put HER hand down my throat and pulled out my heart.....can u imagine the pain?? its not possible to understand if u weren't in that place.

i question myself why do i put there myself everytime knowing fully that it wont come rite back and bite me again....why do i go for the wrong decisions when somehow somewhere in my heart i know that this will last for only 15days or so....

last time i paid a high price for the same mistake....this time i dont know yet...but god knows in future this will happen again and i will make that same mistake again and again....i think my friend JOYEF was rite the other day. "its all about the fate"--he said. i didnt want to agree with him.....but i know its true its true. fate has funny way to choose its pray & i think i'm contenderless in that division.

are we slaves of our own fate? or its just the way we think to tame our heart? does it always work?

i' m still waiting for that FATEFUL day when this whole game will be over and i'll end up where i truely belong.....do u know where that is? i surely dont know.